Would You Like to Learn More About Mediated Divorce or Collaborative Divorce?

Divorce mediation and collaborative divorce are options for people who want to avoid courtroom battle, but who at the same time don’t want to cut corners on thoroughness or fairness. 

Word on the street is that a mediated divorce costs about  one tenth the cost of a litigated divorce.  Collaborative divorce costs roughly half the cost of litigation.  But the goal isn’t just to save money.  

By helping you avoid a court battle, a mediated or collaborative divorce increases the chance that your future relationship will be less antagonistic.  This really benefits your children, because lower levels of conflict make future parenting relationships much more manageable.

The goal is a better quality process, in which all important issues are addressed, and a better quality result.   Indeed, because the process keeps you in charge and uses interest-based negotiation rather than positions and posturing, each party is more likely to get what they each really need.

“Since adversarial divorce is generally demonstrated to cost more than mediated divorce (Pearson, 1993; Kelly, 1990), and as our study shows, to take longer and to lead to more frequent post-judgment modification, divorce mediation is an option worthy of serious consideration by most divorce clients.”

(Marcus, et al,  “To Mediate or Not to Mediate: Financial Outcomes in Mediated Versus Adversarial Divorces,” Conflict Resolution Quarterly,  Vol. 17, Issue 2 (1999), as reported by Center for Divorce Mediation)

 Interested in learning more?

Schedule an initial consultation by calling

1-803-414-0185

or by emailing

PeaceWrkr (at) gmail.com

At an initial consultation, you will learn more about the many options for divorce, the process for getting a divorce, and how to get the ball rolling.  Mediation and collaborative divorce is not right for everyone.  If it’s not right for you, you will still leave the initial consultation with a clearer picture of what is right for you and what your next steps are.

The fee for an initial consultation is $160.

The office address is 3924 Forest Drive, Suite #1, Columbia, SC  29204 USA

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Become a better educated consumer.  Learn your options.

Call 803-414-0185.

 

 

IMPORTANT:

THE ONLY WAY ALEXANDRIA SKINNER CREATES AN ATTORNEY CLIENT OR MEDIATOR CLIENT RELATIONSHIP IS THROUGH A WRITTEN LETTER OF ENGAGEMENT.

This web site is for information and educational use.  Nothing written here should be construed as specific advice for your particular situation.  If you need specific advice — and most especially if you have been served with legal papers in a case –  you must consult a professional.

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Introduction to Divorce Mediation

You’ve tried everything to save your marriage.  You don’t hate your spouse, but you’ve both decided that divorce is better than the other alternatives.  You want to be fair, but you’re not quite sure what that means.  One thing is for certain.  You’ve heard how awful the divorce process can be, and you don’t want to end up bankrupting yourself and ending up enemies.

Does this sound like you?  If it does, then divorce mediation may be the answer for you.

As a practical matter, almost all divorce cases are resolved through mediation.  However, there are key differences in style between a mediated divorce and a litigated divorce (in which mediation is used only at the very end of the legal case).  This article is only about stand-alone divorce mediation, which occurs before the start of the court process.

In the type of divorce mediation discussed in this article, the parties use a mediator to guide them through the process of deciding all the issues which must be agreed upon in order to disentangle their marriage.  If both parties are committed to principles of fairness, and are willing to engage in full financial disclosure, chances are good that their divorce can be mediated, even if the issues are quite complex.  When the parties are committed to fairness, they can usually either agree on the issues directly, or they may agree on a fair way to decide the issues.

Once all issues have been resolved to satisfaction of the parties, the divorce becomes an uncontested divorce.  Pleadings are then filed in court to procure an uncontested divorce.  The divorce decree will incorporate the parties’ agreement into the divorce decree.

The goal of a mediated divorce is to enable the two of you to part ways, as peaceably as possible.  The process is non-adversarial, is designed to achieve result you will both feel is fair, and aims to provide you with a separation agreement that reflects your unique values and circumstances.

Another benefit of mediation is that it avoids escalation of conflict.  This is especially important when children are involved, as you will continue to need to work as a parenting team even after you are divorced.

The mediator does not take the place of a lawyer, but mediation may well reduce the volume of legal services needed.  The streamlined, non-adversarial nature of the mediation process is so efficient that it can result in significant cost savings.  Mediation is also relatively risk free to try, because properly managed mediation is confidential, things said during mediation cannot be used later in court, and also mediation can be stopped any time either party feels it is not working for them.

There are three, key requirements which are essential to successful mediation.  First, both parties must be committed to principles of fairness, even if they disagree at the outset about what, exactly, is fair.   Second, each party must agree to full financial disclosure.  Third, parties must be willing to give it a chance.   If these criteria are met, your chances of being able to mediate your divorce successfully are excellent.

Feel free to contact Just Mediation, LLC, at 803-414-0185, or using the contact form on this web site, to discuss whether mediation may be appropriate in your case.  Also, please use resources on this web site to learn more.  There is a pull-down menu in the right column which lists blog articles by topic, or you can click on any word in the tag cloud for specific topics.

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Recognizing Stages of Conflict and Knowing When to Call for Help

All individuals and organizations experience conflict. Conflict is what happens when there are not quite enough resources to meet every need, so that individuals or nations must balance competing interests.  Conflict is normal and a part of every life.

From the time we are infants, we learn ways of resolving conflict.  When there is just one seat, we are taught to give up our seats to the elderly lady on the bus.  When everyone wants to say something, we are taught to raise our hand and wait for the teacher to call on us.  At the lowest levels of conflict, the parties can work things out themselves.

As conflict escalates, ordinary social convention begins to fail us, and  intervention by a third party neutral is increasingly useful.   We ask a friend for their input, or we mutually choose a surveyor to determine the property line between our houses.

At the highest levels of conflict, animosity is so high that open warfare ensues and the only way to obtain peace is to separate the parties.

The purpose of this blog post is to describe some of the stages of conflict and some of the interventions or strategies that might be useful at each stage, so that you may ascertain whether outside assistance would be useful and, if so, what at level and type of assistance may be needed .

Although there is no bright line between the stages of conflict, there is a continuum that characterizes most stages of conflict.  For purposes of this discussion, I will break it into stages.

Level Zero: Freeze-out

Level One: Constructive Engagement

Level Two: Persuade That I’m Right

Level Three: Get My Way

Level Four: Eject the Opposition

Level Five: Annihilate the Enemy

Continue reading

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Can Child Support be Mediated?

Yes.

The court always maintains jurisdiction to oversee child support, but there are many aspects that can be mediated.  This could range from setting an initial amount, agreeing to modification, or (in the case of arrearage) setting out the terms by which the amount overdue might be made up or even forgiven in part (if that is appropriate).  Once parties agree to the modified terms, this should be taken to the court for approval but it is uncontested and so much less expensive than a court battle.  But the advantage of mediation is not just to save time and expense.  The key advantage is that it allows for a better solution. 

The idea of mediation is to help parties do the best they can with the resources they have.  For instance, if a spouse is unemployed and really doesn’t have ability to pay, it doesn’t do much good to throw them in jail.  It might be better use of resources to help that parent get a job.   Or, perhaps there are other, emotionally based,  issues that may be interfering with payment of child support.   Or perhaps a child has a disability or special need and an increase in support is needed to meet that need.   Mediation is an opportunity for the parents to try and work through challenging issues – no matter what they are — to find the best possible solution.

Mediation may not work.  If it fails, then the fallback is to go to court and ask a judge to decide.  But, there’s a chance that it could work and that it could help things get resolved quickly, efficiently, and amicably. 

In the case of child support modification, there are serious legal consequences to not paying the right amount.  A party who fails to pay in accordance with the decree could end up in jail.  Therefore, parties who agree through mediation for a modification of child support should take steps to have that approved by the court and made into a court order.   However, because it is uncontested, a "friendly" court action costs a fraction the cost of a court battle. 

To begin the process, discuss mediation with the other party (perhaps break the ice by showing them a copy of this article), or call 803-414-0185 to schedule an appointment if you both agree to mediate.

1Train Ride Home

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Divorce Mediation as a NYC Taxi?

Imagine that the road to divorce is like getting from one side of New York City (married) to the other side of New York City (divorced). You’re not sure how to get there, so you need some help from someone who does.

Most people just go hire an attorney.  This is effective, but it might be a bit like hiring a Sherman Tank and a contingent of marines to guide your way.   You would get from one side of the city (married) to the other (divorced).  Along the way, it would be very expensive, it might require a lot of armor that you don’t really need, and there might be some collateral damage.  Indeed, the marines or the driver of the tank might say and do some things, or take some actions, that you didn’t really want them to take.  But you would live with it, pay the price, and you would end up divorced.

You’ve heard the stories about litigated divorce.  It sounds great going into it.  It’s very reassuring for someone to tell you that you can just climb in the tank and they’ll take care of you.  What they don’t tell you up front is the full cost and the collateral damage.  Not many people are thrilled with their litigated divorce process (just ask a few).

Well, now there’s an alternative.  Maybe you could just take a taxi.

NYC Taxi from wikimedia commons

(image courtesy of wikimedia commons)

That is, hire a divorce mediator to guide the way.  A taxi driver knows the back roads, the obstacles, how to avoid traffic jams.  You will still get from one side of the city (married) to the other (divorced), but with a lot less cost, less collateral damage, and with matters more in your own control.  If the two of you get along well enough, you might even be able to share a taxi.

The taxi is not the right choice for everyone.  No doubt about it, if the “other side” is adversarial – if your soon-to-be ex wants to go to battle with you  and fight against you – then you will need that tank (the protection and guidance of a formalized litigation process).  And sometimes you will also need the marines as well (forensic accountants, guardians ad litem, court reporters, paralegals, private detectives, etc.).

But what if the “other side” is not interested in fighting against you?  What if both of you want to get to the same place?

If you encounter a roadblock, perhaps the two of you could go together to hire someone to address that roadblock (a neutral forensic accountant, a neutral child psychologist, a neutral appraiser, etc.).   With a mediator acting as your guide, the “taxi ride” to divorce is streamlined and cost effective.  How will you know if you’re getting a fair deal?  Well, if you have any doubts at all, you hire appropriate professionals to help you figure that out.

Divorce mediation is not for everyone, however.  It requires that both parties (1) be committed to principles of fairness, (2) voluntarily produce full financial disclosure, (3) agree to on fair processes that will be used to help make decisions.  Couples commonly agree to utilize outside experts such as attorneys, accountants, counselors, if that expertise is needed, but really what distinguishes mediation is that you make these types of key decisions.  Not a judge, not your lawyer, not your mediator.  The mediator’s goal is to empower you, as a divorcing couple, to make the best decisions for your family, yourselves.   Just because you may have decided to divorce, doesn’t mean you have to become enemies.

In return, the non-adversarial process can save tens of thousands of dollars, produce a fair divorce agreement, and enable parties to maintain dignity, control, and privacy in their personal family decisions.

The initial meeting at Just Mediation is a screening process as well as an information session.  The fee for the initial consultation is $160.  At that time, options will be discussed and expectations will be explained.   If you are both fully committed to fairness to each other, and if you can communicate well enough to meet at the same time with a mediator, chances are excellent that your divorce, no matter how complex, can be mediated.

To schedule an appointment for an initial consultation, call 803-414-0185.  If you want to think about it some more, feel free to use resources on this site to learn more.  The goal is of this site is not to convince you to use a particular process, but to help you learn what your options are and to help you find the right process for your family.  Some of the most popular blog articles on this site are Parenting Through DivorceDivorce Mediation Checklist, The Price of a DivorceWhat Are My Divorce Options in South Carolina , and Nine Reasons to Mediate Your Conflict.

 

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Need A Divorce but Cannot Afford an Attorney?

(Because laws vary from state to state, this post only applies to residents of South Carolina.  However, some general principles may apply. )

If you cannot afford a lawyer there are a few alternatives.  The most important suggestion I can make is for you to try and work things out with your spouse so that you have an uncontested divorce.  If you can do this, you may be able to file papers yourself using the self-represented litigant forms published by the S.C. Supreme Court.  Those forms are HERE .   Be sure to look for and download the instructions as well as the forms.

The normal filing fee for divorce in South Carolina is $150, but I would like to point out that if you meet certain income guidelines, that requirement may be waived.  The way to request a fee waiver is by filing a Motion to Proceed In Forma Pauperis (linked).  This form is available on the S.C. Supreme Court web site linked above.

These forms are not easy to fill out.  If you need help in sorting through it, the S.C. Legal Services Corporation (Legal Aid), offers clinics in which they walk people through the process of filling out these forms.  The phone numbers for S.C. Legal Services Corporation are on my web site, HERE.

If you and your spouse are unable to come to voluntary agreement on the terms of your divorce (who gets what property, how to share parenting, etc.), then your divorce is not “uncontested” and you cannot use these uncontested forms.

In that event, you may be able to save money by using a mediator to help you reach agreement.  After you reach agreement, then your divorce is uncontested and you can use the forms.

Mediation can be used as much or as little as you like.  Suppose, for example, that you have resolved all your property issues but you can’t agree on custody of the children.  You could hire a mediator to work with you on that one issue.

However, mediation is not free.  A mediator not only has the legal skill to walk you through the issues that need to be resolved, but also has added conflict resolution, negotiation, and client coaching to their toolbox of skills.  Expect to pay a mediator according to their skill and experience, as much as or more than the same amount per hour that you would pay an attorney.  The difference is that instead of each of you having your own attorney, the two of you can share the cost of one mediator.  Additionally, if you are both committed to fairness, willing to engage in full financial disclosure, and can talk and negotiate without getting unduly antagonistic, chances are good that your divorce can be mediated.

Cost is one significant benefit of mediation.  Even if you start out in disagreement, mediation may help you get through the process without engaging in the courtroom warfare that escalates conflict and causes costs to skyrocket.  It is possible to negotiate even a relatively complex divorce settlement for a relatively low cost, but much more depends on the parties.  If you or your spouse is not committed to fairness, or if one of you is going to try to hammer the other with emotional issues as part of the settlement process, mediation is less likely to succeed.

Indeed, a divorce process that is fueled by anger and bitterness is the most expensive and unsatisfying divorce there is.

If mediation interests you, consider requesting a consultation by filling out the form on the right side of this page.

 

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Intervention in Church Conflict

There is no such thing as a church without conflict.  If your church has a conflict, that is something to be thankful for!   Conflict means that people are engaged in the life of the church and that they have interests they care about.   It is healthy for a church to acknowledge that it  has some conflict, for then the causes of conflict can be brought to light and   addressed, hopefully in a way that leaves people feeling like they have a better understanding of each other, of each other’s goals, and happy about the end result.

Indeed, the goal of peacemaking in a congregation is not to snuff out conflict and pretend that it doesn’t exist.  Nor is it to go to war to route out various factions.  In between these two options is a middle ground.

Conflict actually provides the opportunity for us to communicate, to discuss differences and similarities, to really listen to and hear each other, and to forge solutions which meet the needs of the congregation without harming each other and which actually lead to healing and reconciliation.  The goal is not simply to “resolve” conflict by putting a lid on it.  Rather, the goal is conflict transformation:  to transform the conflict into an opportunity for growth and healing.

In the meantime, how to do achieve such an idealistic result?  Is it possible?  In one word: yes!  If conflict is dealt with appropriately.

Conflict in a church is like a flame.  It can feel like a nice, warm campfire –  nicely contained in the fireplace and providing enough heat to fuel the popcorn popper — or it can feel like a house fire raging and destroying the entire structure.  Obviously, it is easier to tend the fire when it has not blazed out of control.

Where is your church conflict on the scale of conflict?  If you feel your congregation may need help dealing with the effects of conflict, this blog post may help you decide whether to bring in outside help.

Reactions to conflict proceed in predictable stages.  A prior blog post described various stages of conflict (link here).  At low levels, conflict is healthy.  It means people are involved in the church and have projects they care about.  If conflict is not handled appropriately, however,  it can become toxic and lead to division in the church.

Conflict handled poorly causes needless pain and alienation from the church.  A statistic by the Alban Institute indicates that a significant number of  unchurched  people in the USA say they are Christian, but they report that they no longer attend church because of some “painful event”.

The goal of Just Mediation is to stop that from happening.  We are concerned for the sheep that has been lost from the flock.  Our goal is to contribute to the health of the Body of Christ, by acting as professional peacemakers to help transform conflict from painful event to an opportunity for growth and learning among Believers.

Regardless of what level of conflict your congregation may be experiencing, the professional peacemakers of Just Mediation want to help you.  There are three main ways we can help:

1. Training and Education of Congregation and Congregational Leaders in Healthy Conflict Resolution Skills

Training and education of members and leaders in healthy methods of decision making and conflict resolution imparts helpful skill in tending the campfire.  If the fire is not already out of control, all it needs is to be cared for properly.

It is important that conflict associated with normal and natural transitions be addressed in ways that are healthy and healing, and not in ways that create more divides. When serious conflict does emerge, leaders need tools to respond to these challenges before they escalate into conflict that engages the entire community.  The mediators of Just Mediation, LLC, offer training in healthy, Biblical responses to conflict through on-site consultation, workshops, and leadership retreats.

We are happy to speak to your group and lead a workshop, whether for an hour or a weekend.

2. Assessment and Recommendations in  Situations Involving Conflict

Ideally, conflict in faith-based organizations will be identified and addressed before it reaches a flashpoint of causing a crisis.  However, it can be helpful to have a fire extinguisher on hand.

No matter how positive it may be overall, change in culture and the worldview of members or leadership can create tension in the healthiest of organizations.  Or conversely, refusal to change may create stress.  Intervention at this stage of conflict can improve communication and help people adjust and work things out peaceably.

Perhaps your congregation doesn’t need full scale crisis intervention, but it would benefit from clear intervention, education, and minor mediation that would help your congregation navigate these tricky periods.

We would be happy to consult with your leadership team and engage in individual mediations or facilitation of group meetings to address important sources of conflict.

3. Crisis Management and Congregational Mediation for Highly Conflicted Congregations

If conflict is not addressed early, it can build to crisis levels.  Changes in leadership, building programs, worship innovations and capital campaigns often expose fault lines not apparent under normal circumstances.

Often these problems are ignored until these issues are out of control and have escalated into a major conflict.   Is the conflagration to the point where your congregation needs a fire truck and firefighters?  We can help with this, too.

The professional mediators of Just Mediation, LLC, are equipped by training, experience, and calling, to intervene and guide in crisis laden situations and assist your church in healing from the inside out.

We are equipped to conduct full scale, congregational mediations when needed.

For more information, for a consultation, or to arrange for a speaker for your group, meeting, or retreat, call 803-414-0185.

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